It was the dumbest day in Texans history. (And we all know that is saying a lot.)
It was the weirdest day in Texans history. After a 16-month period dominated by national drama, national controversy, major firings and hirings, NFL and Houston Police Department investigations surrounding Deshaun Watson and the best quarterback in team history demanding a trade (without ever publicly demanding a trade).
And when the first day of training camp for the 2021 season was complete, I already was questioning whether first-year coach David Culley is qualified to handle everything that comes with the big job and convinced that first-year general manager Nick Caserio thinks all Houstonians are idiots because they don’t live in New England.
Oh, yeah.
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Watson — the NFL’s leading passer last season and just touching his athletic prime — switched jersey numbers and lined up at safety on a scout-team defense toward the end of practice, again making weird history.
Then Culley perfectly explained it all away by proclaiming the embattled quarterback with a $156 million contract extension — and facing 22 civil lawsuits from women accusing him of sexual harassment and assault — needs more camp reps before the Texans are ready to take it to the next level with him.
“This is the ramp-up period. We don’t want to get into a situation where we’re having him do something that he’s not ready to do right now,” Culley said Wednesday as NRG Stadium lurked in the background like a lost spaceship from another universe.
That’s not typical Bill Belichick coachspeak.
That’s how you explain something delicate and important to babies. Or puppies.
The Texans failed on the first day.
They were a disaster on the first day.
The new regime began as a bad joke, then Caserio and Culley kept repeating the same bad joke and reveling in all the awkward stares.
Look! See?! I told you. The media and fans really are this dumb. They’ll believe anything we tell them.
Watson didn’t work out with the full offense and was the fourth quarterback out of four in several sideline drills. Culley insisted the rebuilding Texans were taking it slow with D4. So does that mean Watson could eventually work his way up toward regaining his starting job?
“Right now we’re in training camp, and that’s what we’re trying to do,” Culley said. “There is no starters right now. Everybody is competing for a job.”
Talk about a non-answer answer.
Of course Texans chairman and CEO Cal McNair was never seen nor heard from on an era-beginning day that would have seen Bob McNair, franchise founder and former owner, everywhere.
Jack Easterby — officially the executive vice president of football operations but in reality in the middle of everything, including running the team’s dwindling public relations department — did his normal Easterby thing. Close enough to the field to be part of the big show but far enough away so he didn’t have to be primarily responsible for anything.
Everyone keeps saying these Texans are trying to be the Patriots. That’s old news. Just ask Bill O’Brien, who started shutting everything down in 2014 despite never coming close to winning a Super Bowl.
It’s obvious Caserio listens to nothing but the Talking Heads in his free time.
“You start a conversation, you can’t even finish it. You’re talking a lot, but you’re not saying anything.”
The 2021 translation of David Byrne crooning “Psycho Killer” in 1977:
“I’m not going to get into an individual discussion about who is going to be doing what,” Caserio said before practice, replying to a question about whether Watson would practice on the field with the Texans. “Everybody will go out there. Whatever they’re going to do, they’re going to do.”
The media then watched Watson practice for more than two hours after Caserio refused to acknowledge Watson’s existence on planet Earth.
As invisible as commissioner Roger Goodell and the NFL were in the days leading up to Watson’s surreal return to the Texans, at least the Shield acknowledged “the serious allegations against Deshaun Watson” and confirmed that its investigation remains “ongoing and active.”
Caserio never mentioned the accusers or the severity of the lawsuits a month after hinting that the Texans had a big decision to make regarding Watson.
The Texans hid behind the plodding NFL, then ducked behind collectively bargained rules and regulations. Then they made the decision without ever announcing it.
Football is bigger and more important than real life. Even when you’re a bad team that most believe will be lucky to win four games.
Caserio played the quick-talking bad cop.
“We’re going to do what we feel is best for the organization,” he said, deflecting question after question about a quarterback who could be suspended or placed on Goodell’s personal exempt list.
Culley was the good guy, smiling and laughing through everything and answering all the “What in the world are you guys doing?” queries with the folksy demeanor of a small-town politician at a summer fair.
“I’m just as excited now about being out here today as I was when I first got hired,” Culley said. “I feel so rejuvenated right now having actually been here. Just want to say welcome and here we go.”
An interview with Watson was requested, but he wasn’t made available to the media, despite easily being the best quarterback on the Texans’ active roster and the biggest football name in Houston now that J.J. Watt has left the city.
In retrospect, who needs to interview a fourth-string backup splitting time at safety?
Tyrod Taylor could be a great story.
Thursday will be another day, and the Watson circus will feel a little less important.
But the Texans could have said anything on the first day, and they said all the wrong things.
They backed Watson and gave him precious practice time, even though he doesn’t want to play for them and is just practicing so he won’t get fined/will get traded.
And when a new regime had the opportunity to embrace a new beginning as the sun rose higher and the summer heat kicked in, the Texans simply lied.
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