If you and your partner ever argue about stupid stuff, you’re not alone. I’m calling it “stupid stuff” because the topics can be relatively trivial in the scheme of things. You might even think, how embarrassing, there are significant problems in the world, and here we are having such a silly argument. Nevertheless, these interactions can be real head-scratchers, so let’s think about what’s happening.
I have noticed by listening to many couples that getting swept up in these tiffs is easy and common. The trouble can come out of nowhere, and couples become irritated and alienated. Here are some examples of stupid stuff arguments: whether someone needs the GPS or not; the exact perfect degree for the thermostat setting; how many minutes per day a partner spends on their phone; the right way to mop the kitchen floor; whether earbuds or air pods are better, who left the light on in the spare room; whether you were “just kidding;” or the best brand of laundry detergent. What other inane topics flare up at your house?
These aren’t petty people having these arguments. They are regular folks getting caught up in odd little interactions at lightning speed, then later wondering what the heck happened. Often, couples share such stories in therapy a bit sheepishly, genuinely perplexed about why they got angry about some silly thing. Or they won’t even remember what made them feel so reactive.
The Anger Iceberg
A concept called the anger iceberg is useful for exploring these seemingly meaningless little scraps for deeper understanding. Google “anger iceberg” and The Gottman Institute for their info-graphic. This visual representation will show you how anger is at the top of the metaphorical iceberg. Underneath the surface is where more vulnerable feelings lay hidden.
When couples are angry, irritated, or frustrated about stupid stuff, it’s often just the tip of the iceberg. There may be hurt, doubt, anxiety, and fear underneath the issue. Getting to the hidden emotions takes a deeper dive into the massive part of the iceberg below. It’s dark and scary down there! Of course, sometimes anger and irritation might just come from being plain old tired, hungry, and cranky. Whether there is more to it is up to you to discern.
These are some of the emotions you may find at the bottom of the Anger Iceberg underneath the stupid stuff: Guilt, shame, insecurity, doubt.
There may also be worries and fears at the chilly bottom, such as: Do I matter? Do you care how I feel? Will you give me your time and attention? Is there room for my opinion in our relationship? Can we talk about hard things?
One of my favorite quotes from noted psychologist and couples therapist Dr. Peter Pearson of The Couples Institute is how he describes struggling couples. He says, “They want what they don’t need, and they need what they don’t want.”
When couples want what they don’t need, they want to jump into an argument to prove that the partner is wrong and that they are right. But instead, they need and often don’t want to slow down and speak about their more vulnerable emotions and listen to their partner’s hurts.
Bottom of the Berg
Getting underneath the stupid stuff is the more worthwhile conversation to have. This is what can lead to the good stuff. If you have the will and the patience, you can make all kinds of valuable discoveries to understand each other’s vulnerable aspects. Listening about this meaningful stuff can help you feel more compassion for yourself and your partner. Having these deeper conversations can make you feel more connected.
So the next time you feel your body tense up, and your voice getting sharp over stupid stuff, hold on a sec. Remember that there could be more going on underneath the surface. Take a few breaths, dive down to the bottom of the iceberg, and have a look around. You never know, the deeps may reveal a wealth of buried treasure.
Meg Luce, M.S., is a Marriage and Family Therapist in Grass Valley specializing in helping couples create satisfying relationships. You can find her contact info at https://NevadaCountyTherapist.com
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June 07, 2022 at 02:00AM
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Meg Luce: Arguments about stupid stuff - The Union
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